Just Different

"It's not wrong; it's not right; it's just different."

My wise mother-in-law shared this with me several years ago, and I am pretty sure it was in the context of respecting others' parenting styles. I don't know that I fully grasped the truth of the statement until now.
*Let me disclaim that I am not talking about illegal, immoral, unethical, negligent, etc. parenting decisions. It goes without saying those are "wrong."*

The way a couple or person parents is as varied and unique as the individual or couple and the child(ren) involved. Recently I have had to take a step back from talking to someone who is critical of almost every decision I make as a mom: from significant ones like the school we chose for Caroline to my career choices to insignificant ones like the way we dress her.

I do things differently than this mom did or would choose to do, but my way isn't better or worse and vice versa. The problem arose because she thought it was okay to be openly critical and provide commentary on my/our parenting.

As a result, I began questioning my worth as a mother and was constantly wracked with guilt. It took me a little while, and several talks with Jeffrey, to realize that the guilt and feelings of bad-momness didn't stem from decisions I was making but from my allowing someone else to make me feel this way.

Heavens knows I am not an expert and never will be. In fact, I have downloaded four parenting books in the last week and spent tons of time in Proverbs - and I only have one child! Thank goodness resources abound for desperate mamas of toddlers.

Some of my best advice has come from friends that do not judge or criticize but graciously listen and empathize (looky look! I rhymed and didn't mean to!). The encouragement from friends I admire as moms is priceless. Many times it helps to know others have felt the same frustrations and dealt with the same issues. Plus, there's usually plenty of laughter in the mix when people are sharing stories about their children, and that is never a bad thing.

My greatest sigh of relief and thanks is for God's grace for this imperfect mom.

Reflections of a Semi-Reformed Crazy Fan

We're three weeks into college football season, and I don't know about other places, but here in the South it's serious business. There's nothing quite like college rivalries that turn demure Southern belles, never-miss-a-Sunday church members, and starched businessmen into Mean Girls and schoolyard bullies.

Perhaps social media makes it more visible, but check Facebook or Twiiter on a Saturday in the Fall and you'll see insults flying back and forth between "friends" whose allegiances are to opposing schools. Now, I am not judging anyone more harshly than myself because I was a rabid Mississippi State fan. I am still a loyal fan who loves the Bulldogs, but my vitriol toward other schools has cooled considerably (not that it doesn't surface every now and then).

Seriously, in what other context would this over-the-top fan bickering be socially acceptable? Imagine this post on Facebook: "I hate Presbyterians. They are a bunch of rednecks. Baptists are the best- we have the prettiest girls and best weddings!!" Yeah. But this type of statement is just hunky-dory when applied to colleges and their associated fanbases and students.

Lately I've been struck by how similar many of the taunts and putdowns are to those we don't allow our children to say. Here are a few parallels:

"You're ugly"...."We have the prettiest girls. Their girls are pitiful."

"Nobody wants to come to your party. It's boring." ...."They don't know how to tailgate. We do it BEST!"

"You're a snob."....Fans referred to as "wine & cheese" crowd, etc. (UNC)

"She/he's fake. Nobody's her friend.".... "The whole school is a bunch of posers. They are all a joke."

"You're a redneck/hick."....."They are all a bunch of rednecks."

See what I mean? So many times we cross the line of cheering for and loving our own schools and regress to absolute toddlers and bullies. AND WE THINK IT'S OKAY!

As I said earlier, I was one of the worst fans for years! Just ask anyone who knows me well. Two things changed my perspective (don't worry, I'm not gonna get preachy): my little brother's experience with real and virtual "fans" and the experience with Caroline.

I'll end with an example from a few months ago that really made me step back and look at this issue. One day on Facebook following her school's loss in sports someone I have known for years wrote, "I HATE Mississippi State fans. And Maroon is the ugliest color."
Sadly, she wasn't joking.

Since this post is so long I won't get into the wretched way some ADULT fans treat student-athletes. I'll save that for another post. I'm sure you can't wait . :).

Growing Pains

I'm someone who generally likes change. With jobs, for instance, I tend to get bored easily if things become too routine or lose the challenge that held me at the beginning, so I enjoy learning new things and trying new skills (more on this in another post).

If change is what I like, then change is what we've had in our world lately. This past month, Caroline started attending a local Montessori school at the same time I went back to work for our local city school district at the middle school.

Until this point, Caroline had stayed with my mom or me, sitters in our home, a wonderful family from our church who are like a second family to her, and had attended a weekly mother's day out program. Jeffrey and I knew Montessori would be a challenging transition for her, and she did have normal adjustment woes for a few days. She had to adjust to increased expectations for independence and self-help on her part. Plus, she only knew one person in her class and had to get over being one of the "new kids."

Surprisingly to me, I had the hardest time with the transition. The school has a wonderful outside play area that presented a big challenge to Caroline because of her physical delays and deficits from brain trauma sustained at birth and the resulting Infantile Spasms she developed at four months old.
*Infantile Spasms is a seizure
disorder defined with words like
"rare, catastrophic, devastating; I
call it our personal hell. Caroline is
one of the blessed very few- she is a
MIRACLE- who is cognitively on
track, but she has motor skill delays
such as not being able to run or
jump yet that are noticeable
compared to her peers.

My heart clenched in a new, unwelcome kind of pain at the thought that she now realizes she is different from her friends because of these delays. My initial, irrational reaction was to withdraw her immediately, and..... Yeah, that was the problem. There was nowhere I could take my precious little girl that would make it all better or make it all go away. There was no one I could legally yell, scream, hit, and throw things at that would make ME feel better.

Finally, in the midst of it all, it dawned on me that this would be just one of many times I will want to protect Caroline from the world around her, just as I am sure my mom did for me and her mom for her.

And as much as I may think she is too young to learn hard lessons about life not making sense this side of heaven as we live in a fallen world, I pray the Lord is teaching her young heart compassion for others who may be different. I also pray she will grow to recognize and respect the unique and special gifts she and others possess.

Because I know I need those heart reminders daily.

Just Have To Share This

I know, I know I have been absolutely terrible about posting on my blog. I mean, really, ONE WHOLE POST - wow. Thank you to those friends of mine who have been encouraging me to post again after my embarrassing hiatus.

While I may do a lot of things "wrong" as a mom: I allow Caroline to eat sugar and watch TV; I lose my patience after a day of whining and fit-throwing; and sometimes I even pull the "because I said so" card even though I said I would never do such a thing.

But one thing I do "right" is read with Caroline. Really, if you know me, this is not a big sacrifice or praise-worthy activity on my part because I LOVE to read. Thankfully, Caroline loves being read to and will sit for minutes (hey, 20 minutes is a big deal for this 3-year-old!).

Anyway, I was so excited to find out about the website wegivebooks.org, an initiative of the Pearson Foundation and Penguin Books that offers free online children's books to anyone with Internet access. What makes this even better? For every book read online, a book is donated on your behalf to a literacy group whose goal is to get books in the hands of children who don't have them.

While I love reading from a book in my-or her- hands when reading to Caroline, I know we will definitely be adding some of the electronic versions from this site to our routine. If your little ones are like C, she loves the computer and all other electronic devices.
*The site requires Flash, so if reading on an iPad, you will need a Flash-enabled browser app.